that's the way it is

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference"

I have tried everything. I tried denial,dating,trying to move on, stopped being in touch, pretending I do noit care... and what not. nothing worked. at times I wonder what is happening with me. why this is not working out?why can't we figure out what is it that connects us? why?

the answer always eludes me.

I used to feel we were like Ross and Rachel. and one day I realize that we could even be Bing and Janice,too. which one is right? no idea!and a few days ago I felt we cud also be like Barney and Robin!

yes!! I know I watch a lot of TV Series. And I think even more.

But the truth is that life is not a film, or a tv series. the answer does not come to us after 2-3 hours or a few sessions. Sometimes the answer does not reveal it self at all.

We can only try being ourselves and do what we do best. For me that is being her friend and hopelessly being in love.

I know the clock is ticking. I'm getting old. sometimes I feel like asking her,"will you say yes when I ask you to marry me?"

and a part of me says," it doesn't work like that dwai. she doesn't know. if you value your relationship, be there for her and you will find out. if you are tired of being on the hook, go away. if you stick to this... the answer will come some day. at most, it will be no. but you will not repent thinking 'what if?'"

and I start walking on the unknown path again... I know it will be different. good or bad..only time will tell...

Good Bye, For ever

Where do lost things go?
Into non-being, that is to say everything.

(Sorry for modifying this quote, but that’s the reason why I am not using it as a quotation.)
Well…
I have made up my mind. I am not going to hope about her anymore. It’s better this way. I am not going to contact her ever again. Or ask our common friends about her whereabouts. I’ll refrain from bringing her up in any conversations with them. It’s better to let her get lost in my memories. Get lost into non-being. Go and diffuse into everything. Let her memories mix with the autumn breeze. Let the memories get enveloped into every drop of rain that will kiss the earth. Let those get lost into the darkness of night. Let the story get lost in a book which will not be opened ever again.

Amen.

lost

The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference

I have realized the uselessness of the whole situation. So I am on my own again. I do enjoy spending time with myself. Nowadays I spend most of my time reading (and most of my salary buying books from Flipkart ). So it’s kind of okay. Somehow I enjoy this new life.

But… the memories still haunt me. Sometimes, while commuting, some song starts playing on the FM bringing back flashes of conversation from the past. At times, I find her in somebody’s hair, or somebody’s smile.
I know it’s useless. But I often end up messaging after having a drink. Her name comes in my mind at the final moments of ecstasy. I keep telling myself, let go Dwai, let go. And the conversation with myself starts.
What if I was right and am wrong now? What if I read all the signs correctly? What if we r meant to be together? What if we just need some time?
Endless questions. But somehow I know the answers. Answers which I do not want to accept. Answers that I have to believe in but do not want to.
There are some riddles only time can solve. Let’s see how and when I find the key to my sanity.
I tried again and again, but I can never be indifferent about her. Does that mean, I will always…

Back to the game

Somewhere in the past…

Me: you know, I really would love to write about us one day. I really want to tell our story.

She: why don’t you?

Me: well, I don’t know the end. How can I write the story without the end?

Everything changes with time. So did the dynamics between us. We broke up, became friends again. She moved on. Yet I was waiting for the end. Something in me kept telling me, this couldn’t be the end. Not like this.

We moved away. Decided to never cross each other’s path again. I thought that would help me. We were totally out of touch. We stopped existing in each other’s life. Yet, something in me kept telling me, this couldn’t be the end. Not like this.

One night she messaged me. We exchanged messages. And after that I thought finally I was over. Finally I have attained closure. Yet, someone somewhere kept saying, this couldn’t be the end, not like this. Well, of course I didn’t hear that.

In recent past

I just messaged her. And we conversed over the phone after so long. It never felt we haven’t been in touch for 2 years. And after some more days, the dynamics changed again. Back to square one.

I realized that I have never been out of love. I have always been in it. And yes, I still do not know the end. But I realized that a voracious reader like me too can make such a stupid mistake. What defines a good story? The end? No! it’s all about the journey. The story is not about the ending, but what is between the start and the end.

And I realized, I do not need to know the end anymore. I can start telling our story!

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