Tuesday, November 10, 2009

My Berlin wall

Why do we erect walls? For protection and security. And why did I erect this invisible yet impenetrable wall? Definitely to protect my feeble emotions. It also gives me a false sense of security. With the presence of this wall, no one can infiltrate in my heart and invade there. And though I myself have erected this wall, even I can’t climb it over. It’s not that I didn’t try to cross the wall and jump to the other side, but I learned that it only hurts. And so I’m accepting this wall as a part of my belonging. And my world is divided into the East Berlin and West Berlin.

The paradox is I don’t know which side of the wall I’m facing.

Monday, November 02, 2009

powercut, a irrational cold drink bottle and two confused souls

“Habit: when the ‘H’ goes, ‘a bit’ remains. When ‘a’ goes,’ bit’ remains, when ‘b’ goes, still ‘it’ remains…”

It started quite ordinarily.

Last Night: Before going to sleep I switched my laptop on and found her on Gtalk. As usual I messaged her. And she replied. After some more minutes and some more chatting, I found my cell vibrating. Her name was flashing on the screen of my phone. I took the call, shut the laptop off and came out of the room.

We talked our hearts out. We found that both of us are being selfish, and both of us want this ‘relation’ or whatever one may call it, but we are confused.
She thinks she doesn’t love me. She liked the feeling that I’m there for her. And that she doesn’t need to tell me everything, I just somehow understand. And just the thought that I’d stop being in touch with her, is not acceptable to her.

I think I don’t want to be just another friend (she assured that I’m not just another friend, I’m a bit more than that. But “just another friend” has a strong melodramatic appeal). I think if I can’t be the love of her life, I better not exist in her life at all. I also think I have moved on . And finally after talking for about half an hour and exchanging some messages it was decided that she would come to my place today. She would get the books with her, and after that it’ll be the FINAL GOODBYE.

Today: I started preparing since 3pm. She said that she would come at about 6pm. So I started out.

I roasted some wafers. Then I baked some sugar cookies and even iced those. Next was the turn of the walnut brownies. And after a while I was surprised to see myself. I saw myself (a hydrophobic when it comes to bathing) considering taking a shower, only to reject it. I even changed into something nice. But I was most surprised when I found that I was combing my hair. And I kept on watching myself doing so many silly things.

Finally:She came.
-“what would you like? Coffee, tea or a cold drink?”
-“just a coffee, with less sugar”
So I get the coffee and we started having all those baked goodies. And suddenly there was a power cut. I went downstairs, bought some candles and we were having a candlelight date, if I can call it a date.

But the funny thing was still to come. I got a cold drink bottle and we just couldn’t open it. I know it’s unbelievable, but it was happening. We tried everything but nothing worked. So I tried to manage it with a kitchen knife. After spending half an hour on it, it was still not working. She tried her luck, but no use. Then both of us started working on it one by one, and the magic happened. The bottle opened. So I made an ice cream soda for her. And … she was ready to go.
She clicked some pics. So we tried transferring those to my laptop. But again, the simplest things never work with us.

-“I’ll mail you these pictures”
- “When?”
-“ok, let me know. I’ll block your email id after I get the mail”
-“Ha ha ha!! Ok , I’ll sms you”
-“oh, I was thinking about deleting your number right now.”
-“do it later.”

So I went with her till the main road, she got into the auto.”
-“all the best”
-“all the best”
And we drifted to our own ways.

After coming back, I was strolling on the terrace with a cigarette in my hand and thinking about the meeting. I don’t know why I did all this cooking for her. Or why I did all that silly stuff. Was I trying to impress her for the last time? Or did I try to make the last time a nice one? Is it the last time?

I don’t know.
I thought about the cold drink episode. Anyone can open a cold drink bottle, but we couldn’t. Both of us tried still it didn’t open. Only when we tried together, it opened. What was the significance? I was feeling as if someone was trying to signal. I read the message as-

If you try it alone, it will be complex. Keep trying. You just can’t.
If she tries it alone, it will still be complex. If she keeps trying, the situation will not change.
Try together, you can do the impossible.

I don’t know how she has read the signal. I don’t know whether she has sensed it at all or not. I don’t know whether it was the last time for us or not.

I only know that I’m waiting for a mail. And then I’m going to do delete a contact from my cell.
And I’ll be waiting for the day when her memories will be deleted from my brain. I’m waiting for the day when we will be stranger to each other.

It ended quite ordinarily, too.