Don't

"i'm fine ..I'm okay... just don't ever do a mistake."

"what mistake?"

"don't ever fall in love with me.then I'll not be able to control myself. and that day you'll loose a friend, and I'll loose one,too."

"how can I say so?? you never know..."

"I'm killing my love for you everyday a bit, and when I'll kill it totally I just don't want you to come and say that you love me"

"why are you killing it?"

"why shall i not?? if you don't kill it, you can't sustain. you are still in the same atmosphere, same places, the same canteen. same department, same lover's lane..and unless you kill it it'll keep on remionding you those special moments and will make you weak. and you don't want to get weak, because then it'll hurt you immensely which you don't want. you want to be fit and strong and fine..so you have no alternative than killing it.....

btw, are you ok?"

"what do you think?"

"I think you aren't. but I don't know you... all I can say that you don't have any reason to be guilty. so plz don't feel so. I'm fine and absolutely ok. But I've to do this, too.

you can't force your heart to love someone and you can do nothing if you don't love someone.so I really don't have any grudges or anything against you. I know it will not help you or anything..but don't feel guilty."

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Debris

another morning will come reminding me of you
another night will die reminding me of you.
it was your love, and the waiting for you
which made me travel all these days and nights;
now your smile will help me, reminding me of you.

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Missing You...

I was retired to my bed. but suddenlly I tought of the dream I had early this morning! and my mood became low...really low. I understood that I can't sleep like that. I need to share it. but right now I have no one to confide. Then I thought ,"Why not you all?" and so..here I am.. sharing my pain with you all.

That dream started like a filmy one. well.. it was about Baba, My father.
I dreamt that he's back and alive. but due to some reason ( amnesia probably) he is with someone else now, a lady other than my Mother. ( a typical ekta kapoor story i know, but let me that's relly irrevalent) But he now knows about us and came to visit us. I saw him coming to our home with the groceries we need.

later I went to another place where he was present. I saw him thinking. he was in pain coz though he wanted to get back to us, he couldn't. he asked me if I wanted to tell him anything. I shook my head to say no and was crying. then someone else asked me what about my plans to study abroad. I said I've cancealled that. Dad asked why and said I shouldn't do that.

that was all.. I woke up crying... the scars may have healed at the surface..but the wound is still there......

miss you baba..miss you....

feeling miserable!!

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What Can Be Done?

I know that we don't talk much in college. What can be done? We have to keep our affair hideen from the curious eyes.
I Know we don't stay together for much time after classes. What can be done? We got tired after classes and these days we have to leave the campus by 6:30pm.
I know that both of us look forward to the walk to the metro station after college. But then the metro comes and we have to depart leaving each other. What can be done? We have works at home, too.


But today you didn't come to college. I did attend classes till 4pm. Then with friends I went to canteen and quadrangle, finally went to the metro station and got back home. All the while missing you terribly!What can be done?? I love you with all my heart! Yes! I do love you with all my heart.

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the journey of love

The train was moving towards NJP. the night was slowly dying giving way to a new day: a new beginning. even the sleepless eyes were taking a nap. only 2 pairs of eyes were still open.

I was lying in my lower birth..She was sitting beside me. some letters were exchanged. I gave her 3. she gave me her 1st. and we were there.
her hands were on mine. I was in dilemma: should I look into the outside to see the birth of a new day or should I look into her eyes to see the birth of love?

she requested me to have a little bit sleep. I refused and said I didn't want to loose such a wonderful night by sleeping..
and the time flowed.
...................................
we were on the bus on the way to Gangtok. It was getting darker. Even the bubbly river was quiet. we were talking softly.But we were communicating more by the silence than the words.

we stayed at Gangtok for that night. That was the night for the proposal. I took her roommates into my team and discussed the plans with them. As planned, i went to their room with a tiny card and a tiny local chocolate. I gave her that.. she was kind of disappointed and asked me, that's all?
I was waiting for this question and so I took out the box of Swiss chocolate with the heart shaped opening and a card and told her," did u expect that I'd propose u with such a huge chocolate and a card like that kneeling down in front of you?"

......


We reached Lachung. It was dark by the time we settled down. the weather was chilly and the floor was wooden. the whole place was clam except our cacophony and the never ending music of Teesta, the gorgeous river.

we were at her room.her roommates were sitting at the staircase leaving us alone. she was sitting and I was lying at the bed. I was talking. don't know it was the effect of alcohol or her company which made me tipsy, but I was saying each sentence at least 3 times. Moreover, I was asking her whether I'm repeating my words. and ye..I asked her 3 times, too.
It was nearly midnight and so I asked our friends to come in. and when they came I said,"hello!!you shameless gits.. I was just asking u to be polite and U really came in??"
no wonder I was thrown out of the room!!

the next morning I received a letter from her.And we were on our way Yumesedong ( I'm sure the spelling is wrong). I was feeling like reading it every now and then. But I told myself that I'd read it once we reached at the spot. I'd read it while sitting beside the river. The waiting was memorable itself, like the journey. I realized that love is like hills: no wonder the destination is beautiful. but the journey is more beautiful.
when we reached there, it was really chilly. and though it was hurting to keep my naked hands outside my pocket, I started reading the letter. and the snowfall started. the tiny snowflakes were coming down to us, immortalizing the moment.

There were five more nights and countless moments that we spent together. Be it the evening beside the river when I threw a love note sealed in a empty pepsi bottle in the river, or be it the night at Pelling when we were sitting at the balcony and I was constantly encouraging her to ditch me, or be it the few moments in the returning train when we were talking and everyone was sleeping, or be it the moment when our friends and her roommates slept intentionally giving us the solitude of the room, or shall i tell you about the campfire night when the proff asked me to sing a song and I started singing "when you say nothing at all" for her...


We have talked, fight, laughed,cried and what not? But what I learned is that sometimes the journey is more important than the destination..and Love is one such a time.She's still confused and thinking.. But me, the ultimate commitment phobic have declared myself committed. strange?? no..it's love!!

Love you!!

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