My Berlin wall

Why do we erect walls? For protection and security. And why did I erect this invisible yet impenetrable wall? Definitely to protect my feeble emotions. It also gives me a false sense of security. With the presence of this wall, no one can infiltrate in my heart and invade there. And though I myself have erected this wall, even I can’t climb it over. It’s not that I didn’t try to cross the wall and jump to the other side, but I learned that it only hurts. And so I’m accepting this wall as a part of my belonging. And my world is divided into the East Berlin and West Berlin.

The paradox is I don’t know which side of the wall I’m facing.

powercut, a irrational cold drink bottle and two confused souls

“Habit: when the ‘H’ goes, ‘a bit’ remains. When ‘a’ goes,’ bit’ remains, when ‘b’ goes, still ‘it’ remains…”

It started quite ordinarily.

Last Night: Before going to sleep I switched my laptop on and found her on Gtalk. As usual I messaged her. And she replied. After some more minutes and some more chatting, I found my cell vibrating. Her name was flashing on the screen of my phone. I took the call, shut the laptop off and came out of the room.

We talked our hearts out. We found that both of us are being selfish, and both of us want this ‘relation’ or whatever one may call it, but we are confused.
She thinks she doesn’t love me. She liked the feeling that I’m there for her. And that she doesn’t need to tell me everything, I just somehow understand. And just the thought that I’d stop being in touch with her, is not acceptable to her.

I think I don’t want to be just another friend (she assured that I’m not just another friend, I’m a bit more than that. But “just another friend” has a strong melodramatic appeal). I think if I can’t be the love of her life, I better not exist in her life at all. I also think I have moved on . And finally after talking for about half an hour and exchanging some messages it was decided that she would come to my place today. She would get the books with her, and after that it’ll be the FINAL GOODBYE.


Today: I started preparing since 3pm. She said that she would come at about 6pm. So I started out.

I roasted some wafers. Then I baked some sugar cookies and even iced those. Next was the turn of the walnut brownies. And after a while I was surprised to see myself. I saw myself (a hydrophobic when it comes to bathing) considering taking a shower, only to reject it. I even changed into something nice. But I was most surprised when I found that I was combing my hair. And I kept on watching myself doing so many silly things.


Finally:She came.
-“what would you like? Coffee, tea or a cold drink?”
-“just a coffee, with less sugar”
So I get the coffee and we started having all those baked goodies. And suddenly there was a power cut. I went downstairs, bought some candles and we were having a candlelight date, if I can call it a date.

But the funny thing was still to come. I got a cold drink bottle and we just couldn’t open it. I know it’s unbelievable, but it was happening. We tried everything but nothing worked. So I tried to manage it with a kitchen knife. After spending half an hour on it, it was still not working. She tried her luck, but no use. Then both of us started working on it one by one, and the magic happened. The bottle opened. So I made an ice cream soda for her. And … she was ready to go.
She clicked some pics. So we tried transferring those to my laptop. But again, the simplest things never work with us.

-“I’ll mail you these pictures”
- “When?”
-“tonight”
-“ok, let me know. I’ll block your email id after I get the mail”
-“Ha ha ha!! Ok , I’ll sms you”
-“oh, I was thinking about deleting your number right now.”
-“do it later.”
-“ok”

So I went with her till the main road, she got into the auto.”
-“all the best”
-“all the best”
And we drifted to our own ways.

After coming back, I was strolling on the terrace with a cigarette in my hand and thinking about the meeting. I don’t know why I did all this cooking for her. Or why I did all that silly stuff. Was I trying to impress her for the last time? Or did I try to make the last time a nice one? Is it the last time?

I don’t know.
I thought about the cold drink episode. Anyone can open a cold drink bottle, but we couldn’t. Both of us tried still it didn’t open. Only when we tried together, it opened. What was the significance? I was feeling as if someone was trying to signal. I read the message as-

If you try it alone, it will be complex. Keep trying. You just can’t.
If she tries it alone, it will still be complex. If she keeps trying, the situation will not change.
Try together, you can do the impossible.

I don’t know how she has read the signal. I don’t know whether she has sensed it at all or not. I don’t know whether it was the last time for us or not.

I only know that I’m waiting for a mail. And then I’m going to do delete a contact from my cell.
And I’ll be waiting for the day when her memories will be deleted from my brain. I’m waiting for the day when we will be stranger to each other.

It ended quite ordinarily, too.

Back to Denobly...

John, Mona, Cyrus, Alisha, Kiran, Alak Ma’am. Vinny Sir - do the names sound familiar? Do you still remember a group of 12^th standard teenagers and their life in and out of their school? Do you still remember “Hip Hip Hurray!”??

The 1998 soap used to come on Zee Tv on every Wednesday. I started watching it pretty late, but once I did, I just couldn’t stop. Many of us believe that it’s still the best TV serial based on youth. For some, Hip Hip Hurray relates to her childhood.

And for all of us who experienced the magic, there’s another chance to experience it again. Disney Channel India has started re-running the series from 12^th Oct. And it’s being aired on Monday-Thursday at 5:30 pm.

Finally Disney Channel has found an Indian serial to match its counterparts abroad. When I see Lizzie McGuire, or Recess I always feel bad that the same channel shows “Dhoom Machao Dhoom” and “Kya Mast Hain Life”. But Now Disney channel is showing something which is worth showing to the Disney channel of other countries.

Let them see, for a change.

When I told a few friends about this rerun, they all asked me the timing. They all would love to see this again. In fact I wonder why the producer never released the DVD of the entire series. Even if they do it now, it’ll be a huge hit.

I don’t know whether kids of this generation would like to see a series when there were no cell phones. I don’t know how much would they identified with the characters. But innocence never loses its charm. And anyway, it’s still the best Indian series on youth. It still is.

As i was glued to the TV set just for listening to the title song of “Hip Hip Hurray!”, so I decided to share it with you.

Download the title song from here and listen on your own gadget.

And Thank Disney Channel India. Or should I say, Hip Hip Hurray??

P.S. I can still watch the entire series just to see Peeya Rai Chowdhary as Kiran or Candida Fernandes as Alisha.

A small decision

The placement season has almost started. Everyone has started preparing themselves. and with the 1st company coming in a couple of days people are really excited.

The brand name is huge. The compensation good enough. The job profile offers a lot to learn and is quite exciting.

Yet, I ticked the 'Not Interested' column against my name.

My friends are asking me why did i do that. I have a very simple answer for them. and that is, "I don't want to get into this sector"

I believe, when the company has its right to choose us, we also have equal right to choose the company we would work for. And however big, this is not my cup of tea.

I know where I want to go. and I shall.

Belonging

The shiny green grasses were wet due to the delayed monsoon. I could see a goalpost waiting in vain. The taste of the lemon tea got mixed with the smoke. The Chatim tree was inviting us to sit under it and watch the sky through its foliage. But to avoid the mud, we sat on the edge of the road. And… words were coming out. Some words became a lost melody in a borrowed mouth-organ. Some words were transformed into songs. Even more words were entrapped within us. Those failed to overcome the ‘should I’ dilemmas got lost paving way to an introspecting night- another insomniac night.

The trees turned into silhouettes. The cars passing down the road on the other side of the field became just a moving array of headlights. We moved away.

Aagomoni

How do we understand that this is the time for the ‘Durgapujo’? If I ask anyone I will get the typical answers.’ Kaash’, ‘Siuli’, the pale blue sky patched with the characteristic white clouds. But do we get to feel these anymore? If we want to see ’Kaashful’, we have to go out of the city. I admit that one can still find ‘Siuli ‘here, but it’s a hard job to locate the delicate flowers in this concrete jungle. And the sky? Well, thanks to the climatic change u just can’t trust the sky anymore.
So how do we understand the ‘Pujo’ is coming?
The countdown logo bug on the TV channels has started playing. Each day I see we are getting close by one day. I see the skeleton of bamboo which is slowly turning into the pandals. I find my friends online and we discuss when they are coming back to the city. And we plan. I get crushed when the extra ‘shopping’ crowd get in the metro from Esplanade.
And I understand...

The ‘Pujo’ is coming

Starting Over..... again

After the fall from heaven, I was lying on ground. I thought I could still fly, only to realize that the wings are broken. My whole body was aching with the pain from the fall. Wherever I looked, I could see torn feathers from my wings. I examined my wings, again. I was a fool to believe that with this I could fly. But....

I started tearing the remnants of my wings. I pulled apart the feathers and threw them away.I didn't stop until I wiped away the last proof of my wings, that i ever had them.

and then... I realized. what would i do without my wings? i have been used to them for so long, that i couldn't even think of anything but flying.So?? What Would I do?
I looked at the scars which used to be the wings at one time. I looked at the heap of torn useless feathers. I looked up and saw the brilliant blue sky, where I used to be.

And then, I looked at myself. I found a pair of legs. My legs. I took the wobbly steps. My first steps. Again...

Moving On

How hard is it to go and never looking back? How hard is it to think of someone, with whom you have shared your joys and sorrows, as a stranger? How hard will it be? For 'Us'? For me? For 'Her' ?

We think we are matured enough to act maturely. We think we know a lot and understand even more. We say, "Everyone is irreplaceable but no one is indispensable". Everyone. No one. We generalize.

I have decided to sail away. I have decided to move on & never look back. I have decided to be a stranger. And i think only it can make me happy.

I move away. Waiting for a call which can make me go back. But we are mature. so the call never comes.


So many times I wanted to be right but turned out to be wrong. And this time i want to be wrong... and I am afraid of turning out right.

congrats Star Ananda!!!

Nowadays, we frequently ask a question to ourselves: is media anymore ethical? Do they know what their responsibilities are? Even a couple of months ago we had a group discussion in our soft skill class. Where people discussed the terrorist attacks on Mumbai and media’s role in telecasting that.
This evening I stumbled upon Star Ananda, a popular Bengali news channel. They were broadcasting something exclusive. Something which nobody did in the last 3 decades. They finally managed to get a small video clip of Suchitra Sen. They finally found out how SHE looks now. And they broadcasted it.
Suchitra Sen, perhaps the most famous and glamorous heroine the Bengali film industry has ever seen. But SHE decided to be out of reach. That also increased her aura. How SHE has withdrawn herself only increased her charm.
I understood the importance of TRP. I have also seen the part that Star Ananda showed where they aired the comment of an expert who said that they can’t be sued as SHE has never imposed any ban on anyone telecasting her pictures. How does it matter that people think they are safe when they are inside their house.
So Star is safe. And they are probably now celebrating their success. But I beg to differ. I am not going to accept it as success. Couldn’t we respect someone’s personal choice? It’s a question media needs to answer.
The channel had a pole on their website today. Where they said that only they have HER photos. But she isn’t willing to come in front of public anymore. And are we interested to see those pics?
42% people said yes they want to see it. But 58% clicked on NO. It’s a rare instance when I’m delighted to be a part of a percentage. The 58%.