IN SOLITUDE, IN COMPANY, IN CROWD; IN HAPPIER TIMES, IN MELANCHOLY; WHILE WALKING, CHATTING, ATTENDING LECTURES; SEEING A CHILD SMILE, HEARING THE SOUNDS OF LAUGHTER...
I THINK AND I SCRIBBLE
What would you call something which makes you feel wonderful while it lasts, but you become melancholic when it gets over? And yet, you feel happy. Not because it has finished, but because it happened.
What would you call the experience of knowing your friends: Discovering a totally different angle of their personality? Learning that the most serious guy is extremely emotional and the seriousness is just a camouflage.
What would you call a unreserved train journey , without having dinner at night, talking about delicious dishes to mentally satisfying the pangs of hunger and spending the whole night by sharing the seats ??
For the last 2 weeks I'm feeling this. The whole week I'm busy with classes, giving tuitions, catching up with friends and what not. But on weekends, I wake up late. And after that i feel as if I have nothing to do. Sometimes I try to spend some time online. When i really get bored of doing nothing, i even try studying. But still... there is a feeling of emptiness. As if I lack something.
What's that? Is it happening because i don't have any romantic interest? Or is my always empty wallet the reason? Mainly I can understand that it's the absence of works to do. But that's impossible. I'm not a person who loves to work a lot. Rather I prefer I laid back attitude. Or should I say, I used to prefer.
I was immersed in my own world like a caterpillar, moving from one leaf a to another. And when I saw you, I realized it's time to form the cocoon. and I made my cocoon with your thoughts and enveloped my desires. Now I'm waiting for the time. the right time to come. when it'd be time for me to come out. To come out and show how your thoughts would change me from a crawling caterpillar to a handsome butterfly. And leaving my leafy abode, I would fly.
and in case I have the fate of a silk moth, my desires would be dead. but then your thoughts which are still surrounding me, would transform to silk. Make your stole with that and then I'd have the luck to be close to your heart.
I see her.. here and there, now and then. sometimes in class- talking to a friend, sometimes in canteen, sometimes in the corridor-drenched in rain.. and I keep seeing. I want to talk to her, but I don't know what to talk about. and moreover, she's never alone. I'm 26, and yet.. i feel like a teenager, that too, a lovestruck one.
I remember Poonam once told me that she wanted to read that book. I have seen that book many a times on the bestsellers list at the bookstores. I always looked at that book, picked it up, read the reviews, and put it back where it belongs. A story about an afghan boy. Afghanistan... a land i knew through Mujtaba Aali’s writings, the land of the kabuliwalas, of the dry fruits. Afghanistan... a land which has been devastated. So i never thought i would be interested in a story about an afghan boy.
But i had no books to read. So i took it from a friend yesterday. She said that many people want to read it, so I better give it back to her soon. I told her that I’d finish it soon. But I was thinking that people wouldn’t mind if they won’t get to read it. After all, who wants to read such a story? Even i’m going to read this because i have nothing better to do. I have heard people praising this book. But i was certain that it’d be quite dull.
I started reading it while coming back in the metro. And i read it today. The whole day i was reading it. And by midnight i had finished it. And yet i wasn’t over. That’s why I’m on my laptop now, composing this post.
Yes, the story revolves around an afghan boy. But it wasn’t limited to him or Afghanistan only! it speaks of something greater. It speaks about childhood, friendship and kinship. It speaks about our psychologies. It says how we make mistakes, though we didn’t want to make that. And how we do something knowing that we should have done the opposite thing instead. But above all it shows that we are all human! With our own little shortcomings. But there is a chance to be good again! There is a chance to be good again, indeed.
Read “The Kite Runner” and discover what it show to you.
the next phase of my life will begin from july 7th. i'm waiting for that day to come. and now that i have nothing to do, i'm trying to find something to keep myself busy. i have read the books again and again. and so, now the only thing that can help me o sail through this one month period is my musings.
i am waiting and so now i'm trying to find all the other people who are also waiting for soemthing to happen. and i found out that everyone, almost everyone of us are waiting for something to happen.. some days to come..
a friend is eagerly waiting for the day when she will get married. another one is waiting for the day when her folks would accept her boyfriend. some one is waiting for the start of their PhD. someone is waiting for the clearing of her visa. one girl is waiting to finish her studies and get a job. and wherever i look, i find people waiting. waiting for a bus, or a train or a taxi to come and take them home. or waiting for a day when they will be able to live a life of their own.
i'm waiting for a day when i'll enjoy reading business dailies.. :P
I know everything is changing..in fact it was always like this only.. but I've become aware of it quite recently. Now I see the faces of the uncles changing into that of the old men, I see my childhood friends busy in their professional world.even the topics of our discussion have changed also. earlier we used to discuss everything but marriage, but now marriage takes a sufficient fraction of our discussion. some days ago one of my friend was telling me over the phone,"see, she is going to get married. that too after one year only. can u imagine her?? with all her commitment phobia?? she's getting married. i think we all will get used to the idea of marriage once she did it. it would seem a normal thing."
and the change is also in our ideas. say park street. it is the same thing as it was 10 yrs ago. but my idea about park street have changed. as a child, I knew park street is a place where grown ups go to celebrate the new years eve. later, when I started roaming around kolkata, it became a the metro station to visit kolkata book fair. as a teen ager, park street was music world for me; wher ei used to go, browse music and listen to the latest albums at the listening posts. then parkstreet became olypub. and now?? for me, olypub has become park street. and it's still changing... gradually..slowly..but changing.
on the eve of saraswati puja my mom went out to buy the idol form the market. my 11yrs old cousin Vikram was accompanying her. my mom show an idol to my cousin and ask whether he'd like it or not. he looked carefully. "but this idol doesn't have the vahana. where is the duck?" his imaginative mind found out the answer immidiately. "oh, I think because of the bird flu the duck decided not to come this year"
I got back to kolkata yesterday. in last two weeks i went to delhi and hyderabad. and now aftr some really long journey, I'm back. but now i have not much to do in kolkata. my comp is not working(posting this from a cafe), I don't have any class to attend. just i have some evening tuitions to take.so I'm just getting bored.
just an hour ago, i was lying in my room. only 12 days have passed in between. but somehow, i was feeling like a stranger in my own room. And I realized that i really felt like home in delhi.
I know it's just a passing phase. just after two more days everything will be all right again. but i wondered, is the passing phase a face of globalisation? may be not. but i think 'meaningless crap' should resume it's journey again with such a meaningless question only.
a question which has no answer. a question that will not even exist after 2 days. a question that haunts me, NOW.
